So I made it. Both – coming out and writing on this website.
It actually happened sometime ago, but felt like sharing it here just now.
I’d been struggling with myself for a longer while before actually admitting “I’m gay”. There’ve been many reasons for it and the main one was “But how? I’ve been in relationships with girls and found it nice and now…?”. What was happening in my head is enough for a separate thread. The thread that is not needed now since I figured it all out, confessed to myself, accepted myself and… felt good about it.
The only thing I was feeling bad about, was coming back home to my parents (I study in other city, visiting them every 4-6 weeks for the weekend) and fighting with myself – should I tell and feel relief but not sure of what may happen (however they’ve been always very tolerant and used to tell me things like “Gender doesn’t matter, emotions do” etc.) or should I pretend everything is ok, get angry when they ask if I’m seeing anyone and try to build an image of myself being happy single guy.
I was like that for around half a year. Everytime feeling like because of that the distance between me and parents is getting bigger.
Who actually helped me was my partner. I know that this word to describe him may sound weird to some of you, especially in light of what I’m going to write.
We “met” accidentally on GR. I looked up his profile, he sent a msg, I replied (normally I wouldn’t but I found him cute), we started texting, switched to Skype a moment later and suddenly got addicted to each other. Problem was that there were (and actually still are) 2 500 km between us. After just two months of talking for hours on Skype ever single day he visited me for a few days. We had amazing time, none of us got disappointed by comparing reality to one’s imagination and expectations and we just realised that the feeling that has been growing in both of us is real.
Two weeks later I got my tickets to visit him. And that was actually a trigger to tell my parents.
He was always very supportive about it, telling me not to hurry up and so on…
Once when i was visiting them, I accidentally mentioned when talking to my grandma that I’m going for holidays to his country (not saying that it’s his country – just going THERE) and after that when i was with my mom in the car she asked why I hadn’t told her about it and was keeping it secret. “Well… it’s more complicated than it sounds” I said. She obviously asked why. I replied that I’m going there to see a guy. Not a friend, not because I got cheap flights or any bullshit like that. In reply I just heard “Yeah… that is complicated”.
On a way back home she kept asking how I can be sure about that, what has happened to my interest in girls etc. I was trying to give her satisfying but short answers.
Next two days were terrible; she was walking around with red eyes, crying when nobody was looking. Hours before me leaving back to the city I study in, she said that first of all she told dad (I’ve always been closer to her than him so it somehow didn’t surprise me) and that she needs more time to retrieve it and that she will write to me.
So she did couple days later… it was a long letter. Showing her worries, fears, asking questions. This time I replied trying to be as precise as possible, showing everything in a way they understand it and telling that what they were thinking that moment was not true (that for example all of my friends knew and we were laughing at her making homophobic jokes or talking to me about girlfriend i should have – it was after i told them when i got pretty open about my sexuality. Before only a few of my closest friends knew). I told them everything I thought they should know, starting from how I got to such a conclusion (omitting however my partner’s part), through my negative HIV status and the fact that I know how to be safe and “forgetting myself” could possibly happen with a girl as well, finishing on the statement that I haven’t changed as a person – I have the same dreams, wishes, goals in life and ambitions. The only difference is that they see a woman by my side and I see a man.
Their reply just made me realise that what I wrote was right. They agreed that out of three of us I turned to be the most mature and reasonable in “sharing information”. And said that no matter what I’m their son and they love me as I am…
I just haven’t told them about HIM. When we were talking about my upcoming trip, my mom just kept on referring to him as “that guy”. I think it changed a bit when I decided not to “hide” things. I didn’t “introduce” him to them, but instead of calling him “that guy” or “a friend of mine”, i started saying his name. My mom asked a few questions about him, what he does, if he studies or works etc. Browsing my FB pictures she saw him obviously.
Soon it’s gonna be the first time after my trip when i go back home. Wonder if they/she keep on asking about him…
… and I wonder if telling them now that he is moving here for me is right thing to do.
You can submit your own story to mrgayscom[at]gmail[dot]com
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