I think I found out I was gay when I was about 11? Wow.. that’s a long time.
I’m quiet by nature, used to be very shy and insecure.
Been accepted to dance academy last year and got more confidence because people apparently think I’m a good dancer. (Note: It’s not a classical dance academy, the school is focused on urban dance styles such as b-boying, locking, hip-hop, popping, etc to give you an image.)
Our first periodic class we had was ‘Vogue’ for a few weeks. If you’re not familiar with this dance style, Vogue is most of the time a feminine dance style and ruled by the gay community.
(As far as I know, yet the teacher whom’s male is straight.) (I think, really hard to tell)
At first I was really un-easy with being so ‘feminine’ but the entire class and the straight guys thought it was fun/cool.
So I just tagged along and went with the flow. Though they usually just joke, but when they have to be serious they put on their mask and turn in to gay men. Which I think is quite hilarious.
So back then part of me accepted it’s sort of okay to be out like that. Yet I was kind of scared that anyone would find out.
One day I decided to just Vogue for a bit and I heard the word “Gay!” immediately, I was ashamed and I stopped. I haven’t really danced like that with that person’s presence around. Though when I’m with a bunch of friends, 2 whom are guys and straight, 1 is a girl we just do it for the hell of it. Though that happens rarely anymore.
That has happened approximately about 6 months ago. I was fine being closeted, but hearing homophobic words/thoughts of a certain person in my class made me feel more isolated/imprisoned. Yet this person who’s (slightly) homophobic is the one I’m starting to get a crush on. Lurking more and more on this forum has starting to make me think “Maybe he’s gay himself?”.
This crush is starting to make me go mad! And unhappy about being closeted, so I’ve decided to come out to my best (girl)friend who is bi-sexual when summer break is over. (Because right now I’m broke as **** to see her right now and she went on vacation.) I’m quite certain my dad would kick me out of his house. And I wouldn’t really want to live in my mother’s house, just cause.
I’m almost certain a lot of people already know I’m gay and that they do not even care if I were to come out. Yet I’m quite sure that people at school think that I’m straight. Fewer think otherwise, based on how they are with me around. Though I would be in discomfort if certain people would know.
I have always been attracted to older men, especially the ones with facial hair. But seeing how this year went, I’m starting to feel attracted to guys my age as well.
I’ve stated earlier that “I’m quiet by nature, used to be very shy and insecure.”. This has changed a lot, at school I’m known as the noisy, weird person. Which is a positive thing! When I started the year I tried to keep in mind, stop being the quiet one! Don’t be the shy guy, be the weird one for a change. This grew and slowly stopped caring what people thought about me. Yet when people think I’m homosexual it still burns for some reason.
FYI – I used to live at my mom’s house before I went to dance academy, I went to move to my dad’s so I would live near the train station. I wanted to be more independent than my brothers/sisters.
I knew my dad wasn’t going to care for me, he never cared anyway (or seemed like it). So it was a perfect place to start my independence-training?
So summer-break started and went to my mom’s place just to see my family again, I’ve been really busy during school and had to travel 4 hours back and forth.
I got so bored! I wanted to go back to school! …I randomly went on chat-roulette, from there I went on man-roulette. And boy this was quite exciting, I made one man have an orgasm (nicely said) I felt so happy (For some reason) but then I was butt-hurt because he just clicked me away. A day passed and I was like, okay! Let’s go again then I had some fun but not in the sexual way. Every time I think of chat/man-roulette I get a grin on my face or I have to burst out laughing. Because it’s quite fun to click people away!
But yeah, I have a crush on a classmate of mine. I do fantasize about him especially when some events had happened at school.
Planning to come out after summer-break to my best friend. And see how it packs out. I first wanted to tell her I was bi, but when I analyzed this.
(On my old school my class existed out of about 20 guys and 2 girls, I had a dream about one of the girls, nothing sexual, just casual hugging) I then thought I unconsciously had a crush on her.
But the truth was that I needed some Love. On a random note I once woke up humping my bed and I had an orgasm, or I woke up because I had an orgasm. (I was dreaming about humping a man or something in that direction)
Bah I feel like this post isn’t in correct order. (9.31 PM)
Argh this post really feels like it isn’t ordered correctly! (9.52 PM)
I’m so rambling of… (9.57 PM)
Crap I don’t remember what I wanted to write.. (9.58 PM) LOL wow this a big post
I rambled off in the small version, I should totally stop now. (10.04 PM)
Thanks for reading erm oh right I had some odd questions.
Question Number 1. (I have to laugh each time I think about asking it)
Anal Sex. Poop?
I don’t think I have to ask more. Or perhaps I do… I think I’m a bottom, but … … what if someone inserts his penis inside and I have to poop or there’s some on his …!!
The answer to this question leaves me look up to my thought bubble and then think of porn.
Do you think the homophobic guy is gay?
His shoe collection exists out of more than 50 pairs.
He’s quite fashion forward.
He trims his leg-hair. (I’ve noticed)
(giggle)I saw his pubes being all nicely trimmed (giggle) He was looking at himself in the mirror pulling his pants down to his pubes if he went an inch lower I saw his p….. There were 3 people in the room, me and my other classmate(Whom I think is closeted too!) were awkwardly peeking. I stopped the awkward-ness by jumping him. “Wtf are you doing? *laughs*” is what I got.
… I stalk him on facebook (LMAO)
And uuh on this random recent photo that was taking without him knowing he said he’s sitting “gay”.
On a picture of his friend who made a picture of the dining table with the title “Dining with [insert guy name]”
He replied with “gay”.
.. Bah I so wish he is gay. But yeah if he isn’t I’ll just accept it.
I just made this post a lot longer.
Thanks for reading again, I feel depressed now. LOL
Get over your crush, come out and be accepted for who you are. I am sure more than one of your friends will be supportive. And we all have to deal with homophobic bullshit. All I can say is be proud of yourself. Respect yourself. If you do that you will not be affected by the haters.
You can submit your own story to mrgayscom[at]gmail[dot]com
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