So this is how it all started.
I got this friend who I just known him since March 2011 but we became close when I stayed over in his place after a party by end of 2011.
The reason why we didn’t become so close immediately is because he looks quite intimidating and he got this ‘macho’ aura that you would think he is a douche. I remember that time when I stayed over in his place, he commented like “no gays allowed in my bed, only girls are allowed”, but he was not really serious about it, he was just joking, but of course, I know then that I like guys so it kinda hit me.
From then on, we hang a lot, and become really close friends. I even stayed in his house for few days before I officially left the country (since I finished my studies already and got a job in a different country).
Fast forward, when I was now in a new country, and I left him. We often messaged each other, but I didn’t really get to know how much he actually miss me and how devastated when I left… I left the country around November 2012. And he found his girlfriend in New Years Eve.
Fast forward more, we continue to converse via messaging. Because I’m new here, I would share frustration about how hard it is to adjust in the new country. I also learned that he is currently in a relationship with his girlfriend. Then one day, out of nowhere, he asked me who is this ‘girl’ that I’m crushing. He was actually with another friend, who knows about this girl. Mind you, that this girl did exist, I did like her, and had a crush on her, but at that point, nothing happens, and she is now in a relationship with another guy. I told him, that I cannot really say it, and I don’t want to talk about it at that time. At that moment, it really bugs me because I felt like I owe him the truth, and I don’t want to give him half story about myself. So I try to pry him…
I asked him, what would I do to ‘unfriend’ me, him being silly answered, ‘what like in facebook?’. I said, ‘no, in real life.’ And he was like, trying hard to think of something, but at the end, he said that ‘maybe, if I break his trust.’
That bugs me more. And I told him, that I need to tell him something, but that something I don’t want to tell him over the net but I want to tell him in person. I wasn’t ready to be honest to come out, and I’m kinda worried. But at the same time, I felt that I owe it to him. And I know somehow I could trust him…
So, I was thinking of visiting back the country. And it was perfect timing because it was holy week and it was also his birthday. I flew back… and my head is spinning on how am I break it to him that I am gay. And I was thinking of multiple things on what will be the outcome and what would I do.
And I am not ready to be out to everybody. But I will give it a shot on him.
I arrived. We met in the airport. I stayed in his place. And first night, he was driving. I was in the passenger seat. And he started, ‘so, what are you going to tell me?’ I chuckled. I said, ‘not the right time or place’.
Then his birthday came. We celebrated. And it still bugs me. Like how do I start it? Should I even said it? Should I wait until my last day in the country?
And then March 31 came. We are alone in his bedroom. He was shirtless and only with his boxers on. I sat across him, he was in his bed. And he looks serious, and asked me to tell it.
I danced around. But after a good 10-15 minutes, I started.
Like I told him that I got many issues… that I hated myself. That I wished things are a lot easier and more normal. (which is true, admittedly, I am one of those people who don’t fully accept who I am)
Then he asked like, ‘is this something got to do with what you have done before? Or decisions made?’
I told him, ‘maybe, probably.’
Still dancing around. It aint easy. Like, I was thinking he might not talk to me after this, throw me out of the house, etc. Then I started crying.
And then… he said, ‘I want to give you a hug, but like, I’m shirtless so that will be…’
And I blurted out immediately, ‘no. Don’t do that. Do not do that.’
Then I continue on trying to ease things.
I started with like… ‘I haven’t done it with girls.’
And he looks confused. Like trying to ask for more details.
I repeated. ‘I haven’t done it with girls…’
And then, I said, ‘But I have done it with guys.’
And he wanted more clarification.
Like, ‘I’ve slept with guys…’
Then he said, ok. And he said, is that it?
I said, ‘mmm… yeah?’
Then funny how it was easy from then on. Coz he was not disgusted nor react negatively. So I told him all my worries and scare, given that the first time I stayed over, he made a gay joke. And he said, I should not take it seriously, coz it’s all nothing but a joke. He doesn’t have any gay friends, but he was cool with it me being gay and doesn’t worry him. Funny coz he was actually worried that what I would say is either I like his girlfriend or more awkward, I like him.
From then on, I was able to freely talk about my sex life with him… my crushes and all the stuff. He would tease me. And he also asked a lot of questions about what gays do in bed.
But more importantly, we became so much closer. Ironically, I was able to hug and touch him freely (not touch down there but like friendly touch).
And it feels like from that point that I don’t care what other people thinks, because all I care about is my bestfriend’s acceptance.
I flew back. And we still keep in touch… Now, he became my person. I sometimes think that we are more than a couple, that we are more than friends, we are more than brothers. And I love him so much.
PS: I came out to his girlfriend too coz I know how much she meant to him. And like him, she was cool with it.
More PS: I actually made a joke coz I ended up confessing to him on April 1. And told him, that everything I told him on that night was part of my April Fools. (but of course, it was the whole truth lol).
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