So I’m 22, finishing up undergrad, firmly closeted. I’ve recently come to terms with myself and decided to come out as soon as I move out of my house and become financially established.

Quick background: My parents hate gays. They firmly believe that it’s a choice and think that back where they’re from, “at least there weren’t any gays.” Not an environment that I would like to come out in. I hated myself for my sexuality and tried my hardest to “turn” myself straight. I had two girlfriends, one in highschool and the other in college. Both relationships were fine, I was a bit anxious about sex at first but found it was enjoyable, but I never really felt interested. It was like a “chore” to be in the relationship and worse, I knew it was totally unfair to my partner, so as soon as things would get more serious I broke it off.

First year of college I’m in a double room with a roommate. I didn’t think anything of it at the time — I’ve never had a “crush” on a guy before. We became best friends, shared many common interests (marijuana being one of them), and literally spent most of the year together, goofing around and having the best year of my life. Then my crush started surfacing. Worse, I convinced myself that maybe HE was a closeted gay too. He could be very effeminate sometimes and never had a girlfriend before despite being VERY attractive (good looks, very athletic, girls throw themselves at him). Meanwhile, I was just breaking things off with my girlfriend. I guess I acted strangely.. I mean, I very likely did. There was one time, intoxicated out of our minds, he typed “are you gay?” to me when we were playing a videogame but I ignored it and we never brought it up. Things continued normally after that, I think. But I think he suspects at the very least. We ended up living together for another year, and then, 4 years later, we’re still hanging out at least every week and talking almost every day. I still have that “crush” if that’s the word.

So lately he’s had his first girlfriend, it didn’t end up well, and now he’s picked another out of the couple dozen that want him. It’s new and not “official” yet. He calls me up to hang out last night and I head over, we’re chilling with another friend, and she comes over (he didn’t tell me about that). Neither me or our mutual friend is too happy about it. I really liked the first girlfriend. She was cool to hang out with when she’d come out with us. This one is just a bitch. She sucks the fun out of the social environment, talks about herself too much, and all the while she’s rubbing up against my friend and being over the top flirty with him when me and our mutual friend are trying to have a group discussion. I literally want to punch her in the face each time I see her.

So that’s upsetting me lately. That, and the unshakable feeling that EVERYBODY KNOWS that I’m gay. I feel like I’m this highly effiminate male but I just don’t know how I’m really acting/talking. I feel my paranoia is justified for a couple reasons:
1) I’m pretty sure one of my former close friends (Bob) spotted gay porn on my computer one time. I’ve since swapped to only straight stuff. This was 1st year college. Ever since he’s been dropping “you’re so gay” comments to me, especially when he’s very drunk. We’ve drifted since then, and he’s become super religious lately and found/engaged a girl in the span of a couple months. I don’t put too much faith in the guy, so if he does know I’m gay, there’s a likelihood that he’s told my other friends this.
2) My ex-gf from college. I was a total douchebag when I broke up with her. I broke up by ceasing communications with her. I’m not sure what she could make of that, really we never went on speaking terms from then. Whether she deduced that I’m gay or not, I don’t know, but I do know I was pleasing in bed! Shortly after the terrible breakup she became friends with Bob. If Bob knew I was gay, I’d be shocked if he didn’t share this with her.
3) My best friend probably knows I’m gay. Whether he told anyone, I don’t know, but he has no gay friends and I don’t think he has a high opinion of that sexuality.
4) I was hanging out with another friend at his house. I’ve always felt his father didn’t like me for some reason. Then recently in one of our kitchen discussions, he says, “What’s wrong, are you a faggot?” To which I cracked a joke while others came to the defense of gays, and he elaborated while looking straight at me something like “I don’t mind so long as gays have the balls to man up to it.” That was reeeeeally weird.
5) I’m busing home last night and this guy hops on, and somehow I KNOW that he’s gay. He’s tall, skinny, pronounced adam’s apple, very similar features to me.. So then I start to wonder, do I look obviously gay?
6) Finally, my brother. I’m pretty sure he knows somehow. I really don’t know how he’d have been tipped off, but I guess living in downtown Toronto and being exposed to gays there made it easy to spot me. He’s told me how he took photographs for a gay calender and then this year he was a photographer for the gay pride parade.

I’m pretty much cool with being gay now. I wasn’t before, and was gripped with depression and wasted my days away in bed basically, but now I’m feeling better. But I can’t come out until I leave my parent’s domain. I’m working on it. I’m working, saving up money to head out, and graduating this year, and then I’m set to move out really. I don’t know how I will be able to afford law school but I’d manage. Lately I’ve been so tired of faking straight though with my friends. Just tired of pretending I’m interested in constant talks about tits. I’m thinking about just coming out to my brother, or one of my artsy close friends who is friends with gays and is generally cool with it. But I’m afraid about opening up the floodgates, so to speak. I do NOT want my parents to find out until I can safely retreat to my own apartment, where I pay all the bills. Should I just stay firmly closeted until then, or do I tell some people?

Woooow, such a big rant.. Even if nobody reads it, it felt good to type it all out.


Wow, I think I know how you feel!
I suffered in silence for many years before coming out 2 years ago…..what an anticlimax, I’m still waiting for the adverse reactions.

Out of respect for your parents, leave it alone unless they ask first.
I came out accidentally to a Counsellor and progressed from there. I suggest to start with a minor friend so if it backfires and you lose them it won’t really matter.
You will be surprised at how quickly you will accept yourself and who you are, I think that is the most important thing.

You can then work your way up through the ‘pecking order’ all the time gaining in confidence.
I suggest you will be surprised at how easy it is and will wonder what all the fuss was about.

Please stay in touch through this thread and keep us informed of your progress.
Most of us are very nosey and love a happy ending!

Good luck and just take it slowly.

You can submit your own story to mrgayscom[at]gmail[dot]com